Tales of Neurodivergent Christmas - horror stories avoided

 When I was young I used to get so excited for Christmas, my parents despaired! As an undiagnosed autistic, ADHD kid, my excitement and stress were so great that I was on the go the whole time, and not sleeping. By Christmas morning, my parents would be exhausted. 

And they didn't get much of a lie-in - I've never been a morning person, but at Christmas, by 6am I was up and at 'em, ready to open my presents so I could play with my new toys and eat a chocolate Santa for breakfast. 

It took me many years before realising that the emotions I felt at that time weren't so much excitement and anticipation, but overload and anxiety. Paired with the social expectations that Christmas was 'the Most Wonderful Time of Year'. 

True, I did love getting presents (what kid didn't), and although my parents struggled for money, they invariably tried to get me something I really wanted. I still remember the awe and wonder for the year I received an electronic calculator! (I was 10).

It was years later, and a parent myself, that I started to question whether I even liked Christmas for year, or had I just been brain-washed by Slade and the Kings College Chapel Choir to think I liked it?

So, here's a pros and cons chart for me and Christmas, aged 10 (1976):

PROS 

1. New stuff
2. Yummy food
3. Chocolate for breakfast
4. 2 desserts after dinner
5. No school
6. 'A Christmas Carol' on TV

CONS

1. Strange routine (didn't know if I was coming or going)
2. Having to be grateful for stuff I didn't like (a hideous pinafore dress from a grandmother who showed little interest in me the rest of the year)
3. Having to not only be grateful, but to perform gratitude in a way that was deemed acceptable (the rules were fuzzy at best and seemed to vary on context, but grinning like a loon and saying 'This is just what I wanted' was deemed inadequate due to its inauthenticity). 
4. Awful music everywhere - on the TV, on the radio, in shops (although its even worse now), and most awful of all, carol singers. You had to hold the door open, letting all the heating out and look overjoyed that your neighbours (who didn't even seem to like you) sang vaguely out of tune for your pleasure and demanded money to go away. And you had to look happy about it, whilst not knowing where to look!  Now that's a 1970s tradition I would glad not to see revived. 
5. Mum getting stressed about cooking Christmas dinner which she appeared to hate every second of, but insisted on doing every year, none the less. I would have just as happily had scampi and chips (my then favourite), but apparently that's just weird on Christmas Day.
6. Buying presents for people without a clue what they liked. My dad was the easiest, as he gratefully accepted anything, and also the hardest once I realised that a bottle of fountain pen ink and a tiny tin of model paint weren't conventional presents. 

Perhaps because my family were actually pretty relaxed about our holiday traditions, and we usually didn't see relatives on Christmas Day, I didn't suffer too badly from the lack of routine, sensory overload, unhealthy breakfast and need to perform socially when I didn't like 'people-ing'. When my children came along, however, it was a different story.

Having been raised by a family with an easy-going attitude to Christmas, even my expectations proved too much for our son, who suffered severe sensory issues, hearing issues and ADHD symptoms, leading to challenging behaviour. We had to adjust our routine just to get through in one piece

1. No secret presents - the contents of every gift must be known in advance, otherwise the anxiety of 'what's in the box' would cause a severe meltdown.
2. Stick to the normal daily routine as much as possible e.g. dinner in the evening at 7pm, as usual and not in the middle of the day (that's just weird!)
3. No visits during Christmas Day, Boxing Day or New Year. 
4. No visitors
5. No asking 'What do you want for Christmas?' (the slightest decision would cause major meltdowns, so this wasn't ever going to produce anything good)
6. No background music. It was several years before either of his parents were able to listen to music openly, without him protesting. 
7. No physical affection - this was a child who used to try to breastfeed without touching me, so all that forced bonhomie, hand shaking, hugging and kissing was a nightmare for our son. 
8. Keep down the volume of the Christmas decorations. He did like them, strangely, but we had to avoid a lot of lights and candles. Scented candles were iffy - some smells were OK, but if you got it wrong... oh boy. 

So now we're all adults, including my kids, what suggestions can I pass on for a tolerable Christmas and a calm New Year? The issues are sensory overload, forced proximity to people you may not have a high tolerance for (loved ones are irritating!), out of your usual routine, eating strange things at strange times, high demands for 'masking' (performative gratitude, enforced jollity etc), unpredictability (wrapped gifts) and not allowed to take off on your own for being thought 'antisocial'. So my solutions to these problems are:

1. Have a routine, or even a schedule and make sure everyone knows it
2. Build-in some alone time, a nap, a walk etc. if you get overloaded
3. Agree on gift-lists beforehand and keep 'surprises' to a minimum (if they distress you). 
4. Don't drink too much
5. Consider sensory needs when putting up decorations, especially lights, smelly candles and anything that makes a noise. 

I hope you all have a Happy Christmas (or Hanukkah or Solstice etc) and don't forget to look after your mental health.


Samaritans are there 27/7 even on Christmas Day.