Why Is it Good To Know How You Feel? Alexithymia Pt.2

 

Knowing your emotions helps you know yourself. Understanding that I sometimes had emotions that were too subtle to register, or that I had a swirl of emotions all at once, helped me see that just because I couldn't describe them, didn't mean the emotions weren't there.

A lot of autistic people I've known have a fear that they are psychopathic - that they really don't care and don't have feelings. But that is invariably far from the case. From their words and actions, it is clear that these people care deeply for others around them. I can include carers, nurses, aid workers and human rights activists in this group. And this is where 'cognitive processing' (as I call it) comes into its own: by examining their thought processes, often people uncover the subtle emotions they couldn't articulate. For example, I once asked an autistic human rights activist, who risked his life to help people, why he did it and he said, 'I can't see people suffer and do nothing about it'.

BBC mental health expert, Shahana Knight listed 5 reasons why recognising our emotions is helpful. Although addressing children, her 5 reasons work for everyone. They are:

1. Understanding the reason behind your emotion
2. Help you feel more in control
3. Negative emotions can lead to negative thoughts
4. It means you can ask for help
5. It makes you a better friend

Adapting this for adult Neurodivergents, I'd say we do things the other way around sometimes:

1. We tend to use reason to correctly identify the emotion, just as I did with my anxiety feeling. I knew that my body behaved a certain way when anxious, I then considered what I was anxious about (accidentally offending someone) and consequently was able to reduce the anxiety (by apologising next time I saw them).
2. Feeling in control (of our emotions) is something that helps everyone, especially Neurodivergents who are overloaded or have a lot of impulsivity.
3. Negative thoughts in neurodivergent people can often lead to negative emotions, as well as the other way around, so nipping catastrophising or self-deprecation in the bud is often helpful.
4. Not only can you ask for help more easily (because you are communicating to other people what the problem actually is), you are more likely to get the appropriate help. For example, if my anxiety is misread as anger, people will likely try to pacify me rather than actually deal with my anxiety triggers. For example, at the dentist, where what I really needed was to sit alone in a quiet room, but what I got was a nervous dentist trying to ask me what was wrong!
5. And lastly, understanding your own emotions (by whatever means) helps you understand the emotions of others, and maybe predict their behaviours a little more. As an autistic person, I am much more comfortable with people whose actions I can predict. It might improve your social skills, or at least help you avoid social 'danger' situations.

But the major reason why understanding your emotions is important is because your emotions are a big part of who you are and understanding ourselves is a vital element of wellbeing. To accept yourself without judgement, it is useful to understand yourself.

A note on emotional masking

Emotional masking, as I have discussed, is the habit of covering up how you really feel (or don't feel) by putting on a persona that seems more socially 'acceptable' than your real self. It's a way of keeping safe in a world which is not always as understanding as we'd hope. Neurodivergent people often mask for years without even realising we're doing it, but it can lead to confusion about what we really feel, and what we are just 'putting on' to fit in.

With the death of Queen Elizabeth II, a lot of Neurodivergent people may be in the situation of not feeling anything (that they can detect), having feelings they don't feel comfortable in disclosing, or having feelings which are in contradiction to those around them. They might be very sad - or not at all; They might have no idea how they feel or be overwhelmed with a mess of feelings. Sometimes the 'mask' is necessary to be safe or comfortable in social situations. I'm not saying just drop the mask and blurt out something that will get you into trouble. But if you can at least acknowledge, to yourself, what you feel - or possibly just what you think - that can help.